Revenge of the Christmas Trees


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Imagine being uprooted from your home, slapped on the roof of a car, bound with rope and twine, then driven to an unfamiliar place where you're decorated with shards of glass and hot lights powered by faulty electrical wiring that could set fire to you at any moment...

Such is the plight of a Christmas tree. It's all done in the name of Jesus, too, as if Jesus were the kind of person who would actually go out into the forest and clear-cut a bunch of living beings, use them for two weeks then toss them in the trash. Somehow, that doesn't sound very Jesus-like to me.

The cutting of Christmas trees is yet another wonderful example of nonsensical holiday shenanigans that are followed by western consumers who rarely bother to inject even a hint of reason into their own rituals. Hey, I celebrate Christmas, too, but my celebration of the holiday doesn't require me to go out and kill something. I don't have to kill a deer, chop a tree or murder a pig to eat a Christmas ham. Nothing had to suffer for me to eat my Christmas meal and send genuine love and compassion to fellow human beings.

For those of you who also refuse to kill trees for Christmas, good for you! Let's all have a non-violent Christmas, shall we? There are perfectly good synthetic trees available which are not only easier to handle, less expensive to own and more humane to the pine forests; they also won't burn down your house when those crappy made-in-China Wal-Mart lights you bought for $2.99 start acting like Sparky the Fire Dancer.

I wonder what might happen in the world if trees had hands and feet. They already have limbs, of course, but I'm talking about limbs they can articulate. If they acted like most people, they'd load up the family tree van and head out to some sort of human farm -- a retirement center, for example, or a public school -- snatch up a human and strap them to the top of their minivan. Then they'd take him home, dress him up like a rave-dancing fairy and stuff light bulbs up his ass while singing Christmas carols like the all-time classic, "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer."

Ah yes, it's Christmas with the Treants!

There are always a few under-informed website guests who never quite catch on to the satire in my cartoons, so let me conclude this by preempting the inevitable criticism from those who few individuals will call and complain that I'm satirizing a sacred holiday. In reality, I'm not making fun of the holiday at all: I'm making fun of the contradictions in peoples' actions. I'm pointing out the blatant hypocrisy in typical Christmas followers who claim to protect the sanctity of life on one hand, and yet who destroy a healthy living tree at the same time. That's just plain loony. It's even loonier that it's all overtly done in the name of Jesus Christ.

I've noticed that the people who are killing all the trees are the same people eating all the meat at Christmas dinners, too! How do those Christmas dinner prayers really work for meat eaters and tree harvesters, anyway? "God, please bless this family, bless this house, bless all the people on Earth... but MURDER ALL THE FREAKING TREES AND ANIMALS!" I guess those people believe God somehow supports animal factory farms that produce mass suffering and mass animal murder just so they can have their pretty nitrite-enhanced Christmas ham dinner.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not against celebrating the holiday at all. In fact, I strongly support this sacred holiday. I'm among a growing group of spiritually aware people who actually honor the spirit of Christmas, using it as a time to invoke the power of intention to bless all living systems on this planet with love, compassion and abundance. If you're among that same group of spiritually aware individuals, then you know what it's like to be surrounded by idiot ritualistic Christmas-goers who think the holiday is all about gluttony, booze and mindless consumerism.

Which reminds me of another Christmas dinner prayer that might be heard this year in the home of a typical idiot family pretending to celebrate the holiday: "Dear God, bless this table of processed food and animal products, and please exempt us from Proverbs 23:20-21 which says: Do not join those who drink too much wine or gorge themselves on meat, for drunkards and gluttons become poor, and drowsiness clothes them in rags... but please, God, bless us anyway WHILE WE STUFF OUR FACES WITH JUNK FOOD AND ANIMAL PRODUCTS..."

Harsh, huh? Ahh, there's nothing like a little dose of reality to really anger the mindless consumers who magically gather in malls and retail outlets with greater frequency during the holidays, like Pavlov's dogs drooling in reaction to the incessant ringing of Christmas bells.

Frankly, folks, if you're eating pork, beef or other meats this Christmas, you're basically violating everything the holiday is supposed to stand for. That's why I celebrate Christmas with a nice plant-based superfood smoothie. As usual, my holiday is alcohol free, caffeine free, meat free and guilt free. (Actually, most of my year is like that...) And I'm pretty sure that if Jesus were to teleport back to Earth right now and ask for a Christmas meal, it would be a vegan meal. And he wouldn't be giving people iPods and 58-inch Plasma TV screens for Christmas, either.

In all seriousness, don't let my little dose of skepticism interfere with anybody's holiday. I genuinely like this holiday. Let me wish you all a very merry Christmas! I only ask that we be consistent with our actions and ethics. We must consider the suffering of all living creatures, especially those whose flesh is being harvested and marketed as meat for the Christmas season.

Honor all living beings this year (and next year, hopefully), including humans, plants and animals. Don't eat meat taken from inhumanely treated animals (which includes basically all commercial meat products), don't chop down forests to decorate your house, and don't buy processed foods or environmentally-unfriendly Christmas gifts.

Christmas is meaningless if we use it as a vehicle to consciously and willingly destroy a part of nature. If the concept of "honoring life" is selectively applied, then it means nothing at all. We either honor all living systems, or we don't really honor life at all.


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