Bush Saves Earth!

Posted: 5/11/2007 - Commentary by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger

The idea is simple: Pollute planet Earth to the point where nobody else wants it.

The aliens, of course, didn't want this to happen. That's why they gave us free energy technology several decades ago. But the U.S. government buried the technology and decided to run the world on oil and coal, thereby maximizing the pollution defensive shield.

Part of that plan involves wiping out most animal species on the planet, too, out of fear that the aliens may have some sort of animal mind control technology that could turn all the animals against us. Imagine millions of enslaved cows in Greeley, Colorado, suddenly stampeding their way to Washington and taking over the White House. (The average IQ in Washington would actually go UP...)

The next time you see a coal-fired power plant spewing pollution into the air, breathe a sigh of relief (if you can breathe at all) and thank President Bush for saving us against the alien threat. The United States deserves all the credit here, of course, for producing and deploying such weapons of mass pollution against the aliens. If you recall, it's the same strategy that Saddam Hussein used in the first Gulf War (part 1, before the sequel came out) by igniting all his oil rigs and threatening to burn up half the world's oil supply all at once. That was actually a defense against an alien scout team dressed up to look like American soldiers.

Thank goodness the pollution strategy has worked! If it wasn't for all the pollution, we'd all be taking a ride to the Zorg galaxy in the mother ship right now. So give Bush the credit he's due here. Thanks to his efforts to override environmental protection regulations, minimize clean energy initiatives and encourage ongoing addiction to dirty combustion engines and coal-fired power plants, we actually have a planet left to call our own! It's all ours... every last polluted square inch of it!

And to all you naysayers who insist there are no aliens and that President Bush is just an idiot politician who favors Big Business over environmental protection, I remind you about the alien threat. Bush's visionary leadership in accelerating the pollution of planet Earth represents a decisive, tactical victory over a very real threat -- even MORE real than the threat of terrorists!

You know all those lights in the sky at night? Those are aliens checking the pollution levels of the rivers, streams and oceans. As long as the pollution levels remain high, planet Earth will be safe.

So do your part! Take more pharmaceuticals that pollute the water supply, buy more house cleaning products with chemical solvents, get more mercury fillings in your mouth, buy a massive SUV and drive it ten miles to return a DVD to the video rental store... do your part! The safety of our world is depending on people like you! Remember: Every time you pollute the planet, you defend us against the aliens. War is peace. Freedom is slavery. And pollution is safety.

(Note: It's hard to believe that including this paragraph is necessary, but you wouldn't believe some of the people who stumble into these satire web pages and actually think that it's some sort of factual news report. This is all fictitious, and I'm a huge supporter of green living and environmental protection. This cartoon and accompanying satire text are JOKES used to make fun of Bush's terrible environmental policies. Laugh it up! The idea that Bush could save the world by polluting it is, indeed, a bit on the hilarious side...)